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Old 02-11-2016, 05:15 PM
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Default How i met Your Mother Great Quotes and antidotes

Tim Horton's - The place in Canada for Coffie

Harvey’s trays - the classic orange trays at the restaurant you stop at when you are going down the Trans Canada Highway between Milverton and Wa Wa - over 12,000 served.

Canadian porn
“Trust me when I tell you their universal healthcare system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go oot of my mind.”

Suit up, because this list is going to be LEGEN…wait for it…DARY.

“Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and
green I wear suits and I’m awesome. I’m your bro—I’m Broda!”

“Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more
accurate, you probably can’t. You’re way out of practice and she’s way too hot
for you. So, remember, it’s not about scoring. It’s about believing you can do
it, even though you probably can’t. Go get ‘em, tiger!”

“It’s gonna be legend-... wait for it… and I hope
you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!”

Barney Quote: “ Canada, you did it again. You even found a way to ruin this. Why? Why do we let you be a country?

“In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is
a second awesome gland. True story.”

“God, it’s me, Barney. What up? I know we don’t talk
much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me.”

“Oh right, because there can be too many of something
wonderful. Hey Babe Ruth, easy big fella, let’s not hit too many homers. Hey
Steve Gutenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. America’s laughed

“Do you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution?
Dude, it’s the world’s oldest profession.”

“This is the time of year when we remember the importance of giving. And there’s no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season, why not bang someone in need?”

“There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.”

“See that woman nursing a Black Russian? She's about to chase that with a White American.”

“Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket.”

“When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is my life has better lighting?”

Canadian porn
“Trust me when I tell you their universal healthcare system doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go oot of my mind.”

Motivational techniques #1
“Girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still go to the fridge, open you up, take a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway: but it's all downhill from here.”

“I feel like I've done so much good I have a ‘soul boner’.”

Quinn (Barney’s soon-to-be stripper girlfriend): “Wow, you have Enormous Penis Syndrome? I’ve never heard of that.”
Barney: “Yeah, that’s the problem with EPS – lack of awareness. That’s why I’m organising a 10K fun run. Of course, many of us will need wheelbarrows…”

Pregnancy scares
“No part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110 per cent. If one of my little Michael Phelps’ has got loose, he’s swimming for a Gold.”

Christmas carols
Jingle Bells “Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I’ll make your sister moan, oh…”
We Wish You A Merry Christmas “I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked and down on all fours.”

“That's what corporate America wants: people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything.”

Barney's video resume - would you employ this man?

“This, what you’re doing right now? It’s giving me a de-rection.”

“You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours... 14 if you qualify for multiple entry.”

Superhero folklore
“With great penis comes great responsibility.”

Movie stars
“If I could nail any celebrity, it would have to be Scarlett Johansson. She's hot, she's talented, and any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues.”

Wedding etiquette
“Can I have your phone number? It’s for the bride.”

“I only smoke on certain occasions: post-coital, when I'm with Germans - sometimes the two overlap - coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, pre-coital, and – wait for it, 'cause I sure have – pregnancy scares.”

Weight loss
“I invest in women who - how can I put this delicately? - they fat! I give them the attention they don't get now, and when they get hot, who do they come to? The guy who gave them attention back when they weren't.”

“Open your brain-tank bra, 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There are three rules of cheating: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.”

Barney: “My, oh, my, there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. OK, hook-up strategy: Find a cutlet, lock her in early, grind with her all night 'till she's mine.”
Ted: “Do these strategies ever work for you?”
Barney: “The question is, do these strategies ever not work for me? Either way, the answer's about half the time."

“I am Mr Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters and over 30's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.”

Motivational techniques #2
“Being single is like a post-apocalyptic wasteland where it's every man for himself. After nine years of captivity, that is my greatest lesson to you.”

Plus ones
“You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.”

Booty calls
“On a booty call, you barely even have to talk. At 9pm you say, ‘Hey babe, it's Barney. Are you busy tonight? Sweet, see you in a half an hour.’ But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. 12am it’s, ‘Barney! Busy? Sweet.’ And by three in the morning, you just text ‘?’”

Rules of dating
“The rules for dating are the same as the rules for Gremlins. Rule 1: Never get them wet: in other words, don't let her shower at your place. Rule 2: Keep them away from sunlight: ie, never see them during the day. Rule 3: Never feed them after midnight: meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her. Ever!”

Time saving
“There are so many things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?”

“I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it - buck naked! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies…”

Barney: “Excuse me, did I sleep with you and then screw you over?”
Woman: “No, I don't think so.”
Barney: “Dammit! In that case, would you like to go out?”

Fashion advice
“There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit - nine for 10 - and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.”

Dry spells
“You've been pork free so long, you're practically kosher.”

Valentine’s Day
“Please, you might as well be dog-earing a tear stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your fiancé that no one has ever met.”

Motivational techniques #3
Ted: “The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the ‘You like her, you call her’ rule.”
Barney: “I'm sorry, I don't speak ‘I never get laid’.”

Female grooming
“FYI, men don't care. They just want to get to the green, they don't mind going through the rough.”

“The camera loves me. More than loves me: the camera lusts me. The camera wants to put on some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights and do me as I lie there with my eyes closed.”

And finally, the ultimate chat-up line… “Daddy’s home…”

“Suits are full of joy. They’re the sartorial
equivalent of a baby’s smile.”

“Here’s the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on
top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.”
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